Mister Softee

Think about all the weird DVDs, cable channels, stupid TV programs, and internet videos available to us today.

We are floating on a sea of shitty shows created for someone's viewing pleasure.

Surveys show that 99 percent of the population agree that 99 percent of the movies and shows are crap.

But when asked to name the one percent that isn't crap, everyone makes different choices. There are people who love really strange stuff. Religious shows. Shopping networks. Game shows. Slasher films. Fox News. Etc.

Every show, film, or genre has its audience. And it isn't difficult to imagine what kind of person it is who really enjoys whatever category you can name.

However, there is one entertainment niche that I am baffled by. I can't think of anyone who is deranged enough, or elderly enough, or stupid enough to be even remotely be interested in this genre.

It is: "soft porn."

Even its name is an oxymoron.

It doesn't have an obvious audience.


People, who would never watch porn, would never watch soft-core porn.

People, who like normal porn, would never watch soft-core porn, either.

Who likes it? Nobody.

Every adult in America, with the exception of your mother, can name at least one famous hard-core porn star.

Hard-core porn stars may not be universally loved, but they are respected. Why?

Because they're bad asses, who don't give a flying fuck about what anybody thinks of them.

And they make decent money. The audience for hard-core porn is massive. Who doesn't, every now and then, enjoy spending ten minutes or so watching a King Kong-sized cock sawing away happily between a pair of tits the size of igloo skyscrapers?

It's one of the things that helps make sex with your spouse, tolerable. Or, maybe I should rephrase that. It's one of the things that makes sex with your spouse even more fantastic than it already is!!!

When it comes to soft-core porn videos (which it never does), the best you can say about them is that they "don't suck," because they never do. Ever.

I pity the fool soft-core porn performers. Most of them entered the field, thinking that they were going to be admired for being "edgy," while still clinging to more of their dignity than they would if performing in hard-core videos. They were wrong.

It's not like members of “The Academy” any more respect soft-core performers, than they do hard-core porn stars.

And what about taking pride in one's craft? Is that even conceivable in soft porn?

Here's a bit of dialogue recorded on a limp-core porn set, after a non-climactic climactic scene:

Actress: "Mmmmmm......You were....like........totally on lukewarm out there!"

Actor: "Babe, when I'm with you, it's so unbelievably great. You are so fucking tepid -- I go nuts."

Director: "Keep it down, you two! Save that simmering, low-level warmth for the camera."

Actor: "That won't be hard."

Actress: "It never is."

Director: "Good.... That's why I hired you."

For the viewer, watching soft-core is like being a baseball player who comes to the plate in the bottom of the ninth inning in a scoreless game. You hit a double, but wind up stranded on second base for eternity (or whenever the film ends -- whichever happens first). The game is called due to darkness and despair. The game never ends. Nobody scores, so nobody wins. Ever.