Euphemistically Speaking

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, this is the definition of a euphemism: the subsitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant.

For example:

Here are a couple of euphemisms that men commonly use:

well-hung: means I have an enormous penis.

well-endowed: means I have an enormous penis.

When we use euphemisms, we're saying the same thing, but we're not grabbing others by the back of their heads and shoving it in their faces. Not usually, anyway.

The two examples given above are, what we in the blog industry commonly refer to as being, "manly euphemisms."

But what about women? Do they use euphemisms?

Absolutely.

For example: Let's pretend that there's a young attractive couple of newlyweds, who don't mind us hanging out in their bedroom, as they are getting ready for bed. (As long as we're prepared to be quiet.)

Let's say the young wife is already in bed, reading this blog on her laptop as she waits for her husband to return from the bathroom, where, unbeknownst to her, he, too, is reading this blog from his laptop.

Why would he be doing that?

For two reasons:

(1) He knows that by reading this blog, he's gaining an edge over his competitors in the fast-paced, cut-throat arenas of commerce, quim, and ideas. He's not sharpest of bulbs, so he needs to utilize every nugget that falls from on high. After all, that particular nugget could be just the feather he needs to complete his arsenal.

(2) He knows that reading this blog is like gliding down an icy toboggan course of love when it comes to getting himself "in the mood." (Admittedly, this newlywedded husband may be dealing with SSA issues, but let's not judge. Please. For once.)

When he's "ready," he enters the bedroom sporting, what is for him, an impressive erection. It is poking brazenly out the fly of his designer shorts, like a stoutly built, bearded, tugboat captain surveying the action in a gay disco through the back door exit, while he tries to decide whether the cover charge is worth it. Don't be fooled. He's a salty old bugger. He'll pay. He always does. What else is going to do at this time of night?

His wife sees "the captain saluting," and knows immediately what is on her husband's agenda for the evening.

She frowns. She just wants to go to sleep. She grabs a Kleenex and blows her nose as violently as possible, as if she's sick. Then, slinking down under the blankets, she groans: "Oh, honey... I'm sorry .... I can't. Not tonight. I'm having my period, and I feel like I've got a migraine coming on. Plus tomorrow, I've got a big presentation I have to give before the entire board, first thing in the morning. "

This is a classic example of how a whole series of phrases is actually one fairly easily understandable euphemism.

In this case, what she's actually saying is: "Honey, tonight, I'd prefer to give you a blowjob, and then you can fuck me good and hard up my pooper."

Euphemisms are the unheralded diplomats of communication. It's time they received their due respect.*


* In a way, it tugs a bit at my heartstrings to come to the grim realization that, during the entire history of language, I am the only blogger to ever have paid tribute to our friend: the euphemism.

What can I say? I'm a giver.

( I'm just glad, that by virtue of my being so well-endowed, I can offer so much.)