A Blog Post Concerning The Practice Of Masturbation In Humans

"In my opinion, neither the plague nor war has had more disasterous effects for mankind than the miserable habit of masturbation."

Dr. Reveille-Parise (1823)



I've got a crazy hunch that the good doctor was doing something incorrectly.

I'm not very mechanically-inclined, but pounding my pud was one endeavor that even I was able to quickly master after one quick read of the instruction manual.

Once I grasped that "beat" didn't mean "beat" as in: "a pummelling with my fists," I took to masturbating like a hotdog to a bun. People today can write openly and freely in their blogs about the pleasures of self-pleasuring, but it always wasn't so.

During the Victorian era, many respected experts that that masturbation was evil. This is chiefly owing to the fact that most scientists and medical professionals were primarily of half-wits and simps.

They thought that donning the slick mittens would lead to insanity.

They spent a lot of time and money devising all sorts of contraptions that would inflict pain whenever one took matters into one's own hands.

Imagine my surprise when I read that graham crackers were invented by Sylvester Graham (1794 - 1851) for the purpose of ridding teens of the desire to become better acquainted with their own pleasure factories.

The gentleman who started Kelloggs cereal, John Harvey Kellogg (1852 -1943 ), was this country's most famous nutter on the topic of sex and masturbation.

Though he and his wife were married for over 40 years, they never fucked. Not once. (Probably not even a blowjob! How sick is that?)

They didn't even get down to business on their honeymoon. That's because Kellogg spent that time writing: Plain Facts For Old and Young, a book that extolled the joys of healthy living.

He had his issues with sex, but he was an especially zealous campaigner against the evils of masturbation.

Why?

Basically, it's because the man who invented corn flakes was out of his bleeding gourd.

Kellogg felt that doodling with ones privates was a recipe for destroying a person's physical, mental moral health. (He tried to make himself sound more knowledgable by going into specifics, claiming that masturbatuion cause: cancer of the womb, urinary diseases, nocturnal emissions (?), impotence, epilepsy, dimness of vision, and insanity.

He would often startle complete strangers by sternly admonishing them with this little conversation starter: "A masturbator literally dies by his own hand."

My guess is that Mr. and Mrs. Kellogg didn't get invited to many parties.



Kellogg worked relentlessly on the rehabilitation of all masturbators, but he was even more fervent in his desire to nip it in the bud early on.

How?

Easy!

Through the miracle of mutilation! (To the genitals of America's boys and girls.)

often employing extreme measures, even mutilation, on both sexes. He was an advocate of circumcising young boys to curb masturbation. In his
“A remedy which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision," he wistfully recalled in his opus, Plain Facts for Old and Young, "especially when there is any degree of phimosis. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment, as it may well be in some cases. The soreness which continues for several weeks interrupts the practice, and if it had not previously become too firmly fixed, it may be forgotten and not resumed. ”

But, what about the girls? Don't you worry about a thing. Kellogg's got them covered, too.

"In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid [phenol] to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement.”

Kellogg boasted that he had personally performed a clitorectomy on a 10 year old girl who was afflicted with the urge.

Like a kindly and wise old uncle, he'd dole out advice to parents who were worried about their kids engaging in the "solitary vice."

To these folks, Kellogg would, in his neighborly way, recommend that they "bandage or tie the kids' hands, or have ma get out the needle and thread, and then just sew the foreskin shut. Better yet," Kellogg said, "simply cover their genitals with patented cages."

Stopping adults from playing with themselves was a harder sell. With the men, Kellogg felt he could appeal to their intellects and common sense.

But what about the women?

So obsessed was he with stopping them from masturbating, Kellogg launched several big ad campaigns devoted to the subject. The method he recommended to America's self-pleasuring-crazed adult females, might seem to be a bit self-serving to our jaded 21st century eyes, but that's just because our senses have been dulled through excessive wanking.

If you're an adult woman and you want to stop pleasuring yourself, here's what you do: take lots of baths in cold water; give yourself a daily enema with cold water, and eat a spare diet that includes Kelloggs cereal in cold milk.

Later in life, Kellogg became an advocate of electrical shocks to the genitals as a "modern way" of jolting some sense into folks who, for whatever reasons, just couldn't quit themselves.