Let's Keep Killing Trees

Do bloggers have feelings?

Let's be honest: most of them don't.

They're pathological parasites, utterly incapable of empathy.

I'm not like those bloggers.

I have feelings.

I care.

Maybe that's why I do feel the occasional twinge remorse or mild spasm of guilt.

What could I be feeling guilty about?

You're looking at it.

While there can be no doubt that blogging revolution I'm leading is great, I do feel sad about the victims I leave in my wake.

Yes, I know that all revolutions, throughout history, have had victims. It's a sad, but inevitable, consequence of being so revolutionary.

If I were a magician I'd create a world where there were fewer victims as a result of my actions.

I would, for the sake of continuity, always win, but I'd make it so that no one would lose.

I win; but everyone else consistently ties for second place. No losers, ever.

Sadly, in today's world, my victories often come at the expense of others.

Right now, my blog is killing newspaters and magazines around the world on a daily basis. (The stench of ink and blood is everywhere.)

Some have claimed that what I'm doing is equivalent to a massacre.

That charge is absurd.

I'd say my actions are more akin to those of a cunning serial killer's. (One who travels wherever he wants, whenever he wants, dresses properly for every occasion, and seems to always have all the latest high-tech gadgets, a massive arsenal of firepower, and ready access to the world's sexiest women.)

The problem here is that I don't want to harm these periodicals.

Yet, it often seems that each time I peck at my keyboard, I might as well be bringing my hammer down upon another nail in the collective coffins of the publishing world.

It's a heavy burden I'm carrying.

I don't want to live in a world deprived of newspapers and magazines.

Luckily for everyone, I woke this morning with a bold new vision as to how we can all pitch in to help out the world's remaining newspapers and magazines.

WARNING: Now, don't get yourselves too excited. What I'm proposing won't be enough to save them. They're still going to die, but we should at least make an attempt at doing whatever we can so that they might be able to exist as comatose vegetables for a few years longer before they expire.

The plan?

I want everyone who reads this blog to think about maybe possibly considering buying a newspaper or magazine once in a while. Think of it as "throwing a dog a bone."

I'm concluding this blog post with a couple of examples of what you'll find inside of each.

The first is from a butter magazine. The second is an article from a newspaper. They may be dated, but, then again, let's not kid ourselves, they were already dated by the time they hit the newsstands.

(FYI: Newspapers and magazines can be purchased at many down-market stores.)