The Real Reason Why Bush Attacked Iraq

We've all heard many theories about the real reasons Bush launched his insane war on Iraq, but there is one that hasn't been mentioned ... until now.

I put all the pieces together this morning.

My theory was inseminated a few nights ago, when Michael Jackson's body was finally buried. I was tinkering around in my bedroom with Flickr photos, while CNN was providing background noise. Out of the blue, I thought, "What about Bubbles?"

During the endless coverage devoted to Michael Jackson, I hadn't heard a peep about the late entertainer's NBFFA (not best friends forever afterall).

I googled.

Rest easy. Bubbles is still alive. He's now living in a Florida chimp sanctuary.

It turns out that Michael had banished him from Neverland after the chimp became too physically aggressive. Bubbles was immediately and unceremoniously dispatched to a local chimp sanctuary.

Depressed. Exiled. Fallen from grace.

He became understandably despondent. Who wouldn't? One day you're the toast of the town, posing for one of Jeff Koons's six million dollar sculptures, and the next, you're discreetly farmed out to a glorified petting zoo.

In 2003, Bubbles attempted suicide.

The news of his failed attempt was hushed up, but the psychiatric experts at the local sanctuary concluded that Bubbles would be better cared for in the Florida facility.

The experts were right. Bubbles is alive and, by all accounts, happy.

*****

This morning, I'm reading a facebook comment from a friend, who, in a playful, yet somewhat wistful way, confessed that she frequently wishes someone would "whisper sweet nothings in German" into her ear.

My first thought was, "Well, honey ... join the club."

But upon further reflection, I stifled my base instincts, and offered up a morsel or two of some somewhat helpful advice.

I suggested she seek comfort in the healing works of the legendary Las Vegas animal entertainers, "Siegfried and Roy."

It is a little bit embarrassing to admit this, but I wasn't 100 percent certain of the correct spelling (although I was fairly confident about "Roy"), so again, I used the google.

On wikipedia I learned the grisly details of Siegfried's tiger mauling during a sold-out Las Vegas performance in 2003.

Reading the article was, in itself, a horrific experience. This was truly an awful scene. Gruesome. Disgusting.

And that was before I came to the part about the mauling.

These two gentleman make for what some people call "a strange kettle of fish."*

****

See the pattern?

Bush launches the Iraq War in 2003. Bubbles attempts suicide in 2003. Siegfried gets severely mauled by his favorite tiger in 2003.

There is only one logical conclusion. During 2003, there was some sort of cosmic event that triggered the brains of Earth's animals to malfunction, go haywire, do things that defy rationality.

I can't pinpoint the event, but evidence of it is still all around us.**

And that, my friends, is the rest of the story.

The Old School ... Good day.



* I've always been troubled by the phrase: "strange kettle of fish." Certainly, it should be: "kettle of strange fish."

** Iraq, Florida, Las Vegas, Dallas, etc.